Is the point of using your throwaway so she doesnt see your other post history? Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. Especially when it all seems to have been going well. If she does it again then it's a bigger issue but i'm sure this will be a big learning moment for her and you will both be in a better place for it. It sounds like shes remorseful. If they outed me and mocked our sex life with their friends, I would never be able to be intimate with them again. If you can't let bygones go after that then take the divorce, but be the better person and give your marriage a chance. Dude, yeah. Doesn't really sound wonderful to me if she can out private details like that so easily. Taking a sensitive topic like sexuality and using yours in a way to demean you just so she can get a chuckle from her friends is unacceptable. From everything, the most painful one was when exposition. Best of luck. Thats the shittiest advice you could give someone. Remind her of this without judging. Any time it would come up I would think about those words. We were chatting in my kitchen (we own a two family house) and her boyfriend was eavesdropping at the connecting door. Not the act itself. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. Sounds like she cares more about what her friends think than how you feel. Even if it is a stay vacation somewhere near your home. I'll be dammed if a single one of my friends said anything like that about my man. OP, Ive never been in your shoes but I can empathize with flat out betrayal. I think forcing her to go no contact with certain friends is crossing a line in a relationship that can never be repaired. There are good comments here, so Im not going to get into that. Is she going to put them as well and claim she didnt mean it and that she was just drunk or gossiping? Again this is a guess. And can think clearly. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. I couldn't stop laughing at the first sentence in your comment. This right here. Humanity is an ocean. You are not overreacting. It's going to suck, but it's always worth it to try and move on. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. My mom wasnt even home, I had forgotten she was on vacation. What she did was just bottom of the barrel type of shit. You deserve that. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. Shows you don't accept their judgemental BS. Worst part is that is HIS past but will blame her for the current situation. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. Ask her about it, give her the space to openly address it and dually try and understand why she feels that way as well as highlighting why you two are together. My only advice is to give it time. he was more "passionate" etc. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Honestly I admire you had the balls to call her out in front of her friends and kick everyone out! I could never trust what to believe again. 1) Your wife was so freaked she let the fact that you're bi slip out two years ago yet continues to discuss it with them? Not one woman was shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory. Solve thid situation by TALKING let her explain herself and then tell her what you feel. As a female this reads as if it wasn't the first time it's been brought up and her friends knew it was safe to mention and joke about it. Take some you time and work out where you are that's your starting point my man edit good luck. Good luck bro! Clearly and simply. But it does happen and people can surprise you. Do you love her more than anything? Sorry bro, no words. As long as you are honest with yourself then it will all work out. Are all your future conversations and issues also going to be relayed through said friends? No, don't buy it. Ugh. I reckon that weve all said things we wouldnt want our SO to hear at some point. That is something you tell your partner immediately after it happens (same with exposing your sexuality to her friends). I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. Im sorry about your situation; not sure what I would do. Fuck her. I am so sorry. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. It felt terrible. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. Most of it was on alt accounts he made. Good luck and I do feel for you. I don't think she is disinterested in the guy, but I will say I don't tolerate that kind of weakness. As a not entirely straight guy myself I would be pretty mortified to go through this. Trust is one of those things that simply cannot be regained when broken. Honestly the only advice I have is to go for that beer with your friend, he seems to be the only one in the situation treating you decently. Author Hazel McBride claimed that she's so "average-looking" that she feels uneasy around her more handsome husband in a now-viral TikTok. Also, the fact that she let her friends talk shit about him while she and OP are supposed to be in a happy marriage Damn, that says a lot. I don't think this information should have been said. One of the guys who was there called me and I answered. If Tom popped back into the picture at any point, Id have told my partner what happened. Imagine it was a really graphic conversation, about all her body parts or how she is bad at oral sex, and it included discussions of your ex-girlfiend for comparison. Here are some of my favorite quotes (I collect them). This seems to be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of agree with you. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. This is a huge betrayal and should not be minimised by either of you. You pave the way for us, and I appreciate you tons. I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. Life is great and were very blessed. If it were me, I would let her know that she needs to consider how this would be handled if the roles were reversed. First of all, I don't trust your wife. She has taken away your ability to feel safe being vulnerable and honest with her. I could hear what they were saying and I heard one of her friends mention Tom. I want to know how shes going to deal with her friends going forward. Does she really think they dont laugh at her for doing bi things with you behind her back as well? Marriage counseling needed. Youre delusional. This issue has been going on and at each turn, she chose not to be honest with you. Do not make them feel you're different because you're not! No. So what you should do? But at least this one has some panache. Well 1. Honestly the only advice I have is to don't give an inch on the fact that you were the one outted and ridiculed, not her. It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. Regardless, hilarious. Uh huh. A random guy you barely know has stuck more by you tonight than your own wife does on the regular. Letting your orientation slip to her friends is one thing, if she was drunk and it was an accident that's understandable, but it wasn't an accident to make fun of you behind your back to her homophobe friends. All you heard was a snippet of the conversation that you could loud and clear despite being in another room. Sometimes they aren't strong enough to defend it. We were having drinks and girl talk, about sex, etc.. well he didnt like a few things he heard and got upset. Thats her game, and I suggest therapy and also congratulate you, my dude, on taking it so calmly. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. Those so called friends are not real friends. 3) Gossiping about your private life and using it as entertainment for her friends is a huge betrayal. So many unnecessary details. Also, your wife needs to drop her biphobic friends who are being a negative influence on her and you by proxy. He claims it was just he was not mature and never meant any of the terrible things he did. Your wife betrayed your trust by sharing private details about your sexual preferences with other people. Your wife really messed up. Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111 She insulted your sexual performance 5. She should immediately be defending you if they're bigots and jerks about your sexuality. I would want to know why, if it was me. She destroyed your trust, and trust takes a long time to repair. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? I'm not sure how your marriage survives without professional help. Very few people know so I was instantly fucking pissed because if they knew, its cause my wife told them. We must feel sadness and despair to know joy, as frustrating as that might seem. Not to mention she outed him and didn't even come clean and let him know, instead allowed the jokes to flow for a couple years - that's pretty unforgivable. 1.) you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. Did she give me advice? It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. She's probably said more and worse in the past two years the women have known. It's not infidelity but to me it sounds just as fucking bad. Youre not overreacting. When I was married my ex-wife I had a problem with erectile distinction for a few months, due to massive stress at work. We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. I turned around and stormed off to our room. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. By bringing it up then and making your feelings the most important feelings in the room, you are being childish. OP-the one man who reached out to you, I feel he is a solid individual and have to give You major points to talking with him. This is not helpful but wow. Saying that it was simply too small. Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. Peter Bridgens, 72, from Birmingham, started his tattoo suit at the age of 36 and took him Theres people that will truly respect you and love you the right way. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. So my wife and one of her girlfriends were having a few glasses of wine, and while I was in my office I overheard a very awkward part of their conversation The other woman was complaining about her husband, quite openly, and specifically about the size of his penis. Thats pretty telling. I found out that Im extremely affects by stress, including fight at home. You have every right to your feelings and if the roles were reversed there would still be hurt feelings. One of the things they dont tell you about relationships is that you gotta be able to stand up for your SO when the time comesso even if OPs wife doesnt actually believe all that and bent to peer pressure, that really sucks and Im sorry she feels that way with her friends, but she shouldnt be surprised if she loses her husband. Names have been changed. People won't forget about it. I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? You shouldnt have to hide your true self, nor be ashamed of it. Thats not the kind of person you stay with. I (28M) with fiance (27F) about a month ago overheard her tell a friend her previous Ex was the best lover she ever had It was quite by accident that I heard this. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. Best to you. Tom hasn't been relevant for seven years. Going forward, she needs to seriously consider what she says to her "friends" if she cannot say them infront of you openly. Second communicate. Ban the girls from the house. She doesnt respect you, man. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. So here is a truth I don't think many men/women/etc get: SO's talk. Not buying it. I (45M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 20 years. Your wives friends are just horrible little Voltures and spineless cowards, definitely go have that drink with your friend and have some time to just calm down and have a break from this shit show. Can you trust a person like that after all this? From one bi to another, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a bisexual's nightmare scenario to hear your long-term partner say this kind of shit. You and your wife decided to marry each other. Fuck this situation. If you need more time to yourself, take it. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. She NEVER told me this. She tells my wife that Tom is still handsome as ever (this doesnt bother me, I feel im just as good looking) and they all give a little chuckle before my wife says something that floored me.Tom had reached out to her right before we got married and wanted her to get back together with him. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. Maybe you should ask him if that not problem why he upset. I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it?? Thats punishment enough for some. I think you did the right thing in the moment but I would want her to confront her friends if what she said was true and come clean herself to them, Shes bullshitting about not meaning any of it. Fourthly, buy that man a beer. It may actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones. I just dont believe that all the people who have commented how awful your wife is, have never said things they regret. ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. Id rather show my support. If you can't trust someone with your sexuality - you aren't going to trust them with anything else that matters to you, there will always be something keeping you from sharing your full self with them. Fourth, (and this is a guess) given that your wife has some judgemental friends, she is probably just talking some crap that she does not necessarily mean. IDK what it's like to be bi and married but I am sure it present some special problems/concerns with you and your status in your social circle. Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. Next I called my wife. Be kind anyway. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. She shouldnt care what others think of her or you, let alone talk about you negatively behind your back. Oh come.A- at least. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. I'm reading all the comments and really appreciate the advice and support guys . She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. Divorce her. Youd be second guessing everything they tell you from here in. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. "Hey babe, sorry I shit-talk about you and betray your trust. Accept yourself, just try to improve. Well he's not open about being bi so I'm pretty sure he does care about it. If it was truly an accident, she shouldn't keep talking about it, she should always just say "I fucked up in telling you that. Back then I hadnt realize I was bi because I was a teen, and scared of being rejected by my family, but I knew I felt certain attraction towards girls. If she had doubled down and defended herself and her friends, then that would be a break up situation imo. Trust your gut, make the proper judgements, and most importantly bounce the fuck back. Think about you right now, and what you want. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. Also arrange some couple counseling and talk it all through. And as a low blow it is, it's an easy way out for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! If my wife was badmouthing me behind my back, I'd be beyond pissed. The only talking I'd be doing at that point would be discussing how she wants to split custody. I would take a long look to see if this is reconcilable. I knew I wasnt in a good state and ignored all of them. This was really jarring. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. The two judgmental homophobic friends have got to go. Now's not the time to make decisions. They will be lapping up the drama and pushing to be in the loop, believe me. There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. Good luck! It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. Mahatma Gandhi A Young Boy Hires Prostitute For One Hour 42:46. People do stupid shit. That's the truth. Which means wherever you gothere will be a little voice in the back of your mind wondering if people are judging you or talking shit about you behind your back, I'm not sure how you move forward in this situation but I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to, I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. This is what I found out: She let my sexuality slip two years ago at a bachelorette party to her friends when she was completely shit faced and didnt remember till one of the girls made a joke about it and she freaked out and made them swear to never tell anyone she told them cause she knew how upset Id be. Ive never felt this upset. Once you have accepted what you can't change, then you can move forward, either using gratitude or optimism to recover & reframe the situation. My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . Suggest you stay away for a bit and do some thinking about what you want and whether its possible for her to mend this damage and that you can accept her behavior and forgive her. I hope you can work it out. Will you ever be able to "do the bi stuff" in bed with her again? These fake stories are starting to piss me off. But then she says.the only hurdle I had to get past with (me) was.well, you guys know.they all were kinda like mhmm as if to affirm they knew what she was talking about. This is a recipe that you can utilize to get through a tough circumstance or even a bad day. Watch your back op!! There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. Dont just jump straight to divorce. And without trust, you have nothing. She needs to take responsibility for it and how it made you feel. People are weak sometimes. I would just ask why her friends opinions matter more than yous twos intimacy. OP can do better than Tom. It won't repair the damage that's been done. That's a lifetime story . You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. Then, when I was in the bathroom (just outside of their bedroom door), I could hear them talking about me. Wasnt even going to bring it up to her or get upset she didnt tell me. I believe you'll deal with this and adapt. And can think clearly. That sucks that your wife has such closed minded friends. Im healthy and fit, exercise frequently and eat well, so that kind excludes most physiological causes. Im so sorry, my jaw hit the floor reading this. I would never be able to fully be myself around my wife again after such an event, and to me that means there's just no way we can work anymore. The whole oh I was just really drunk excuse for any stupid decision is pure bullshit. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. Does it not show a serious weakness in character that she bull shitted like that? Yet, evrything else you've said indicates that she does value you: this relationship was not strained up until this point, and nobody (apart from some really messed up people) can "play pretend" for so long. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake. Then the friend asked my wife if she had ever been tempted to cheat on me with (insert ex-boyfriend's name), to which my wife replied saying hell no, that she would never risk our marraige like that. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. Ugh. While true, sometimes people just want to fit in. No pun intended. After some investigation the the psychologist and clinic consensus was that my mind was f***ed up. So no being friends with intolerant halfwits, and no more alcohol. If she cant trust herself to keep her mouth shut around her friends when drunk, then she shouldnt drink around her friends. Yup. Third, never fighting is surprisingly not a sign of a great marriage. I'm not defending her actions. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. b- for creative writing, but this is total BS. The guy was asking her if she'd told me about them being together in the past. I have never discussed my sexual relationship with my husband with them, and theyve never discussed their sex lives with their partners with me (because were all married or long term now, and thats just inappropriate. Hopefully, she falls into a better crowd that is modern and accepting. Don't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it. They all laugh. Of course she's only sorry she got caught but think about it, how many times they've been making fun of you from their girls night outs? I am a firm believer that most things can be worked through. And if it was an accident, why did she give them details about what kinks you have? Get used to me being stupid". Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. I'm sorry you went through this. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. This is tough, because you're obviously going through it and I'm sorry you are hurt, very truly. It's only a reference to who you choose to have sex with. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. Thank you. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. These ones sound terrible. As others have said you've been outed and made fun of for YEARS now and the weight of that should be made apparent to your "wife". 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